The Waiting Game

*Just a warning: If you are squeemish or can't stand reading about medical "issues", you should probably stop reading now.

I was supposed to go in Wednesday for my ultrasound/doctor appointment but over the weekend I've had some bleeding/cramping as you probably read about in the last post. It continued to get worse over the weekend and kept me awake most of last night. So I woke up this morning and called the doctor's office and they asked me to come in at 1:30 this afternoon for my ultrasound/appointment instead. Eric couldn't leave work so I asked my mom to come with me. I really didn't want to be alone. We got there and they got me back pretty much right away. The ultrasound tech said "hopefully we can have some good news for you today." It perked me up a little, but I still watched the screen anxiously as she scanned. I've had enough ultrasounds and studied enough female anatomy throughout my last pregnancy to know pretty much what I was looking at on the screen even if the tech was telling me what was going on. I pretty much already knew what she was going to tell me before she did but hearing her say it, didn't make it any easier. She couldn't find the baby. And as I'm sitting here writing this, I'm having trouble coming up with the next thing to say because all that keeps flashing in my head is "She couldn't find the baby. She couldn't find the baby."

Ok. Focus. Breathe. Easier said than done.

I sat there with tears rolling down my face, trying to remain calm but really all I wanted to do is scream as loud as I possibly could. I have waited 13 months for the baby to come along. 13 months! Not that if I had only been trying for 2 months it would've made it any easier.

Back to the ultrasound. She's still looking around, and just as I think it's pretty much over, she spots a little something. It's a sac. The gestational sac. When a woman gets pregnant, her body automatically forms the gestational sac, which becomes the baby's home for the next 9 months. One thing; she couldn't see a baby in it. She then asked me about my blood levels that they had been taking over the past two weeks, I rattled them off from memory. She then asked me if they told me what the levels meant. I told her yes. She said she was concerned about an ectopic pregnancy (where the baby has implanted somewhere other than the uterus). She said that the gestational sac always forms when a pregnancy happens but sometimes the baby isn't even in there, it's somewhere else. She told me two possibilities 1) Either it's just too early to see the baby yet because it's so small and it really is in the sac, we just can't see it or 2) It's ectopic and the baby is somewhere else in my body. She gave me a slight glimmer of hope in saying that she looked around and didn't really see anything anywhere else that showed the baby is somewhere other than where it should be. I walked out of the room pretty much just wailing and a couple of nurses gathered around me and just held me for a few minutes. They are so precious to me, as it my mom who pushed past her migraine and came with me for support. She's so awesome. Oh, and of course, my awesome little man Elijah. He just looked up at me as I was bawling and said "No worry, Momma. No worry." I swear, that little boy makes my heart melt. He's wise beyond his years.

So now comes the waiting game. I got my blood drawn again. They should be calling me in the morning. We'll see how my levels are. Hopefully they've gone up but not too far up indicating something's wrong. So we wait on those results, and then go from there. Did I mention I hate waiting? I'm trying everything to keep my mind off of it, but it's so hard. Especially every time I have to go to the bathroom and all I see is blood on the toilet paper. I cry everytime I go to the bathroom. I'm pretty sure I've cried all I can cry. I should probably drink some water and rehydrate. But as my friend Christine reminded me earlier today, God is in control. He's the one with a plan for this pregnancy whether I can see it now or not. It's so hard sometimes when you just want to solve the problem yourself.. But really, you can't. There's no way we as humans can handle problems like this on our own. That's why I'm glad I serve such a big God. He has a plan for me and my baby; exactly what that plan is, I don't know yet.

As always, prayers are needed and appreciated. Thanks for your concern and outpouring of love. You guys are awesome!